28
GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE OCTOBER 25, 1996
The
BIG TIPS
Place My houseguests left me high and dry
to Call When You Want to Go Places.
Full Service Travel Center. 216-777-0955
by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone
I've accepted the challenge: I'm reading down the stacks of books in the "to be read" pile on my bedside table, I had to actually go out and purchase a bigger piece of furniture on which they'd fit, but we know that's just a temporary solution.
To add a Herculean twist to the task, I recently went through my bookshelves and picked out all of the books I'd promised myself to read but never quite gotten to, and they joined their brothers and sisters in the pyramid of bibliophilic neglect. Fortunately, the bookstores' seductive glow had worked off some of them, and I was able to mail off some tasty bundles of virgin text to friends with their own literary mountains to top.
I then admitted to myself that I really do buy the art books primarily to look at the pictures, so I spent a few hours enjoying Joseph Cornell and Howard Finster's work without concerning myself with somebody else's opinions on them.
By this point, the piles are significantly shorter, and comprised of books I actually have to read. So now the rule is, no new purchases until these are down to just two or three, although gifts of course are always welcome, and as I finally get to the business of flopping on my belly and letting the words wash over me, I remember why I can't stop buying the damned things in the first place.
Dear Big Tipper,
I'm so embarrassed. Please tell me what to do. I recently had old friends of mine, a couple, stay for a few days. I don't have a guest room, so I took the couch in the living room, and made up my own bedroom for them. I've done this several times in the past,
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and am usually very careful about putting my vibrator and lube away deep in the closet before anyone stays in the room, but I was rushing this time and I forgot.
We had a really enjoyable visit, and yesterday afternoon they went home. Last night I went to get out my lube and the bottle was empty! It was almost full before they came, so they have to be the ones who used it. It wasn't out in the open, it was in a drawer, so I know they looked in there. I really wish they hadn't; my vibrator was in there too. I don't feel like I can talk to them about it, so can you just make me feel better about this?
Dear Grossest Hostess,
Slip Slidin' Away
Oh no! They know you have sex and masturbate! And they do, too! Augh!
I'm sorry. If you don't have the type of friendship with these folks in which you discuss sex openly, it's reasonable to be embarrassed by an unfamiliar experience, but it sounds like they had an enjoyable visit, and you obviously made them feel welcome and at home. You probably fed them and let them shower: Consider sex another homey amenity they partook of.
If you don't like the idea of someone else seeing your vibrator, remember to stow it next time. And meanwhile, let this be a reminder to keep your vibrator clean and presentable, and not to let it get sticky or fuzzy. It's not good for your parts, and you won't feel as comfortable passing it around at potlucks.
If it grosses you out for other people to use your personal lube do the bed-and-breakfasts one better, and get a little bottle and leave it in the drawer next time, with some tissues, too. If you're the guests and you feel the need to borrow some without asking, don't empty the bottle. It's like finishing the half-and-half and not buying another pint.
If the real issue is other people having sex in your bed, put out a futon for them next time, and stay in your nocturnal fort and protect it. Personally, I think it's sweet for other people to have sex in my bed, as long as it's relatively clean when they go. Remember, the crime of Sodom was not being hospitable.
Dear Big Tipper,
My friends and I have a running argument about the importance and propriety of call waiting. Some of us think that it's the rudest thing the phone company ever came up with, and others think they have the right to expect it, and that it's rude not to have it. Do you come down firmly on one side or another in this debate?
Phony Baloney
Dear Alexander Graham Belle,
I certainly do. I'm firmly pro call waiting. Unless your phone turns callers over to an answering machine when you are on the line, I think it's obnoxious to not have it, if you can afford it.
Yeah, yeah, just years ago, people didn't have answering machines and if you called and it was busy, you'd just call back. But now, when it buzzes busy ad infinitum, you know the other party is technically capable of finding out, with a minor interruption, that you just had the baby, or that the movie is starting in 40 minutes so get your sorry ass over here, and for the sake of a few dollars a month, they're ignoring you.
Unfortunately, call waiting has gotten a bad reputation because of some people's bad manners. It's rude and unacceptable to play "better offer." If you're talking with one person, and go to a call waiting, go as briefly as possible, let the second party know you'll call them right back, and return to caller number one. (The "bump" is occasionally permissible if the second caller is long distance, and you're poor, and profusely apologetic to number one.)
You people know who you are. Mend your ways, because I'm getting annoyedand the movie starts in thirty minutes now.
Send your questions on life and loveCan you hold on a minute?
...
Thanks. Um, send them to M.T. Martone, care of Oh, can you hold on again?
I'm back. Send them to her at the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101; or fax to 216-631-1082; or e-mail
ChronOhio@aol.com.
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